The Fringe

Thu, 6 Oct 2011 10:30:17 -0400

Who’s on the fringe of your group?
Now that your students are settling into the new school year, likely the relationships in your group are taking shape. Are you watching as they hang out before youth group and play games? Who’s leading? Who’s pulling away? Who seems to have a magnet attached to their back that pulls them toward that corner storage closet in the back of the room every week when you’re teaching?
The ones with the magnets on their backs are on the fringe. They hang on the edges, connected, but…only by a thread.
Middle schoolers face a two-fold reality:
Their world inside is unstable. The constant growth and change they experience heightens their insecurity and a craving for affirmation and acceptance.
Their world outside is hostile, filled with cut-downs and callousness that can easily crack their fragile self-image.
No wonder some students hang on the fringe.
The truth is, only Jesus can give students the inner safety, security and belonging they need. And only the body of Christ can be the kind of safe community students need to experience the personal, relational love of God. Middle schoolers need mega-doses of this love to grow in their faith as they form their identities.
A safe place
I often challenge our students to make our group their “safe place.” They get cut-down and kicked around enough everywhere else. As people of God, we’re called to be different—to be full of the grace and truth of Jesus. This is a brand new concept for most middle schoolers.
Following Jesus isn’t “safe”—it’s full of risk and adventure. But fostering an accepting, loving environment gives students the courage to trust the dangerous message of Christ. (Actually, I think this is the same for adults.)
You might think it’s impossible for middle schoolers to be nice to each other. It’s not. It does, however, take a lot of prayer, patience and intentionality on your part. The prayer and patience are simple enough to understand. As for intentionality, here are three ways you can help pull in students from the fringe:
1. Introduce students to each other. You may know all of them, but do they know each other? Don’t assume. Play name games. Show core students how to walk over and introduce themselves to new students by doing it with them.
2. Play games that build bonds rather than break them. We seldom use elimination games that quickly disengage half the group. (Instead of eliminating, sometimes you can give students “disabilities” like using only one foot, running backwards or being blindfolded to penalize but keep them participating.) Competition can build great bonds, especially if teams are working together toward a shared goal.
3. Model words of kindness, encouragement and hope, and help your other leaders guard their sarcasm. When you hear students tearing each other down, challenge them on it! Cut-downs are second nature for many middle schoolers. They need help recognizing what’s not okay to say to each other. Just be careful that the way you challenge them still models the compassion you want them to have!
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.  —1 Corinthians 13:4-8
~ Laura Slezak

5th Graders

Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:19:52 -0400

Parents of 5th graders tend to fall into two categories: those who unblinkingly send their 11-year-old your way, and those who unblinkingly resist.
Transitioning kids from elementary school into a student ministry is a big jump for some, and a little intentionality can help a lot. Since it’s nearing that time, again, for older students to pass the baton on to the younger…
Here are 4 ways to prepare 5th graders for student ministry:
(And if your local schools & ministry start with 7th grade, translate this accordingly.)
1. Make sure your ministry includes a middle school focus. If your ministry is aimed at 15-16-year-olds, 11-year-olds will either act out or check out. But if you invite them into something truly aimed at middle school (rather than a mini-version of high school ministry), those young, immature 5th graders should transition a lot better.
2. Talk to parents. Many parents (especially if it’s their first) don’t think their 5th grader is “ready” for middle school. They often don’t realize that middle school ministry is a way of helping them as a family through that transition, and that we who love middle schoolers are here to help them grow through the immaturity. After 15 years, rarely have I med a 5th grader who was actually too immature for middle school ministry. (The bar should be low on this one.)
3. Invite 5th graders (and possibly parents) to visit your ministry a month or two before they join. Not only does this give them a taste/excitement for what’s ahead, but it gives parents time to consider their questions and helps you identify potential challenges (i.e. Joey’s older sister is mad that they will be in the group together next year, and it’s coming out passive-aggressively) before they hit full force.
4. Work with your children’s ministry on the transition. This could be anything from a one-day fun time for 5th graders and/or parents to a short-term 5th grade only Sunday school class. However you choose to do it, the idea is to help your 5th grade families be able to express their fears, excitement, ask questions, understand a bit of what will be “new” about youth ministry vs. children’s ministry.
And as you watch your 8th graders graduate into high school this spring, think back to what they were like when they first started middle school. God changes students in so many ways during the formative years of 6th – 8th grades. I’m just grateful to be a part of it.
~ Laura Slezak

The Messy Middle

Mon, 21 Feb 2011 14:39:28 -0500

My husband picked up the trash bag to toss it in the dumpster, and suddenly, an avalanche of hardened cheese, smashed pizza boxes, half-full sodas and other cliché youth ministry leftovers exploded all over the ground.
Middle school ministry is messy. And not just because students sometimes forget to tie the trash bag, or because they’re physically awkward and can destroy stuff faster than you can hand it to them.
Students this age are in a state of emotional, mental, social and spiritual flux. One moment they appear to be the next Billy Graham, and the next, an alien sent to destroy Earth. The messiness of middle school can be overwhelming—especially if you don’t know what to look for as a sign of hope. A high school leader who filled in with our middle school group last week described the experience well: “I was actually impressed with how deep they were. But I have a huge headache.”
Often I see parents, understandably, struggle with this messy middle, unable to see hope for growth in their students’ lives because so much of their behavior contradicts whatever God-ward strides they are making. Truly, middle schoolers can be like Jeckyl & Hyde.
The truth is, we’ve got to let middle schoolers be messy. So often we focus our energy with them on behavior, because, well, there is so much to correct. I’m not suggesting that boundaries and respect don’t matter; just that perfect behavior shouldn’t be our expectation or end-goal with students this age.
Middle school is, by definition, an in-the-middle time, a transition. No longer are they children, but they aren’t high schoolers yet, either. Forcing middle schoolers to be anything but messy asks them to be something they’re not. And much grace is required.
The big question to ask is: Who are we helping our middle schoolers to become?
If we focus primarily on correcting wrong behavior, students will see God as another person who expects them to perform or obey, without developing the heart motives and relationship that should fuel our life of worship (Col. 3:23).
When we experience the living God firsthand in a relationship, the Holy Spirit has an uncanny way of redirecting our hearts and minds to live in a way that honors him. The Spirit does this in middle schoolers just as he does in adults. We can trust that God will finish the work he begins in our students.
God calls us to life WITH him (watch for Skye Jethani’s book With, coming in August, for a great look at this). When you catch a middle schooler seeing God’s heart for the first time, experiencing prayer or worship sincerely, or caring for a friend unselfishly, focus on that. Affirm it and take courage in it. Those moments are usually quite real. And so we pray that the gaps in between the “Billy Graham” moments get smaller and smaller.
Be hopeful. God-willing, one day our middle schoolers will remember to tie the trash bag before it explodes. It just might take a while. Just remember: the real fruit of middle school ministry comes after it’s over.
—Laura Slezak

The People Your Ministry is Missing:  #3—Everyone Else

Tue, 18 Jan 2011 16:08:21 -0500

Who helps your students follow Jesus?
Recently we interviewed a panel of 8 students during a church service. I asked them to name someone who helps them follow Jesus. As they went down the row, only one of them named me.
Unlike in many middle school ministries, this church pays me to minister to students. So conventional wisdom might say my job would be more secure if my name came up, well, a little more often in that kind of conversation.
But the truth is, I was thrilled.
Whether paid to work with students or not, I think most of us feel, at times, that we’re solely responsible for students’ spiritual lives—or at least feel the pressure of others expecting us to be.
• Ever blamed yourself for a student’s poor choices or spiritual apathy?  (I could’ve done more to help him before it came to this…)
• Ever felt envious or insecure because another adult was getting more attention from a student than you? (Be honest…)
• Ever find yourself spending more hours investing in students than you can actually manage, because they “need” you? (At the expense of your own spouse, kids or friends…)
In these very human moments, I think we forget Jesus calls every believer to make disciples—not just those of us who may be paid, or are the volunteer coordinator, or who have a special gift. All. Every believer.
In the U.S., our individualism has drawn us to a mindset that one person can be the primary source of spiritual care for another. And that noble-sounding endeavor is just what trips us up: Suddenly we are getting a Savior complex, or letting our insecurities get the best of us, or skewing our priorities because we’re “needed.”
Of course, relationships are core to our spiritual influence on students. Relationships were at the heart of Jesus’ own disciplemaking. But it’s the combination of the Holy Spirit working with the community that forms disciples, not an individual being an end-all to another person. We aren’t quite as needed as we think.
This matters a lot in middle school ministry, because students this age often create attachments to a specific adult (even more often, to an older student) that falls somewhere between hero worship and attempted cloning. (And you know I’m only exaggerating a little.) The love and attention of an adult can be a great source of hope and encouragement to middle schoolers, but if we aren’t careful, we can feed a monster of dependence, all the while feeding our own desire to be valued, affirmed or needed. Middle schoolers can—contrary to popular opinion—make us feel really good about ourselves. And that’s not always a good thing.
In reality, we’re all on a disciplemaking journey. Jesus called his first disciples “that they might be with him and that he might send them out” (Mark 3:14) to invite more people to follow Jesus and become his disciples.
Jesus didn’t pick one person; he picked a group, and together they formed a mutual community of disciples who went out and made more disciples together.
What this means for us is that we need everyone else in our community to help us disciple students. Just because you “can” do something by yourself doesn’t mean you should. Collaborate. Invite and encourage others to invest in students with you—parents, grandparents, single adults, young married couples, high school students. Most won’t sign on to be “youth leaders,” but they can pray, reach out to a family or adopt a specific class of students. I try not to do anything with students alone, just so another can be a part of disciplemaking. Affirm and thank people for their role in disciplemaking. Parents, especially, need this encouragement that they still have a deep influence on their kids’ spiritual lives.
We don’t ever need to feel solely responsible for a student’s spiritual health. They are God’s children anyway, not ours. Jesus never called us to do this alone, but in a mutual community with the Holy Spirit. This is freedom!
So when your students share about everyone other than you who’s had an influence on them…be encouraged! They probably still appreciate you a lot, but it means you’re doing your job—you’re helping everyone in your church be a disciplemaker.
~ Laura Slezak

The People Your Ministry is Missing:  #2—the Prayer Partner

Thu, 28 Oct 2010 17:31:45 -0400

Finding volunteers for middle school is a challenge! This series is all about helping you think outside the box to build a team of support for your students and their families. Not everyone will sign on to be a youth leader, but many adults want to be involved in students lives in some way.
Missing Person #2: The Prayer Partner
Description: A person of any age who is willing to pray regularly for a student.
Why the Prayer Partner:
• Students desperately need people to fight for them in prayer. If this were the only reason, it would be enough to make recruiting prayer partners worthwhile. Carl Wilson said rightly that “Indeed, if one does everything else right in terms of building disciples, yet fails to pray, nothing significant will happen.“
But more great reasons for prayer partners exist:
• Prayer partnerships help students believe your church—not just the youth ministry—cares about them. Youth ministry sometimes becomes an island, and a web of relationships that reaches beyond youth group is vital if you hope to keep ties with students after they graduate.
• Partnerships help fringe students more easily connect their parents and siblings with your church, because, again, the web of relationships stretches beyond the youth ministry.
• Adults who pray for students will naturally grow in their care & understanding for the youth ministry—and you need this support base from the rest of the church!
Recruiting Tips:
1. Ask prayer partners to be prayer partners, not youth leaders in disguise. I know you need more youth leaders, but be specific and honest about what you’re inviting people to do. If you want them to pray, ask them to pray. If you want them to build a relationship with a student, ask them to make contact. If you want them to teach Sunday school, be clear about it!  Many people will say yes to praying for a student and making occasional contact, but won’t stick around if they discover their “yes” has unexpected strings attached.
2. Ask people to commit for a specific time frame (i.e. one year). Partners can always renew their commitment, and often do. But without an understood time frame, people feel awkward having to “quit” in order to take a needed break or may not admit if their interest has fizzled, leaving you in the awkward position of asking them to take a break.
3. Provide connections for student & adult partners: Hold a connection night 1-2 times a year, invite prayer partners to visit your weekly youth meeting, ask students to write prayer request cards, arm partners with each other’s contact information, make a prayer partner Facebook page as a communication hub, etc.
4. Be open to recruiting a variety of people, not just those you consider spiritual giants or the church’s “Prayer Warriors.” Willingness to pray is the key. Jesus told his disciples to come to him like little children. You’re not looking for lifetime mentors, but for people to fight for students in prayer for a season. All believers can approach the throne of grace with confidence—not just the ones we deem “mature.” In fact, inviting a new believer to pray for a student can build great confidence into them, and perhaps be a first step toward a lifestyle of disciplemaking as they experience the power of prayer in a student’s life.
~ Laura Slezak

The Fringe

5th Graders

The Messy Middle

The People Your Ministry is Missing: #3—Everyone Else

The People Your Ministry is Missing: #2—the Prayer Partner

The People Your Ministry is Missing:  #3—Everyone Else

The People Your Ministry is Missing:  #2—the Prayer Partner